I’m going to be the first Supreme Court Justice elected out of popularity. Everyone will be like, “Dude, you got the sickest posts. Your takes are always spot on. You have great consideration for process and detail. The vast majority of America couldn’t be happier to make you a member of the United States Supreme Court.”
Just for me, they’ll make a court seat in some never before done, American Idol “vote now the numbers on your screen” bullshit. Every online poll will already be proof of my unquestionable approval, and the amount of likes on all my posts will serve as proof as well, but the TV event will make things official and double as a fun ceremony to kick off my court residency.
I’ll be up on stage with confetti falling from the ceiling, all the biggest names in pop culture will be in attendance, and Erin Andrews will say to me, “You have made history. You have provided this country, and maybe even this world with the greatest Cinderella story ever heard. What do you have to make of all that?”
And I will answer her, “This is the first day, for the rest of our country. The way I broke down and handled arguments online, I solemnly promise to bring that same level of judgement and professionalism to the United States Supreme Court. I will stay committed to my same values and principles as before, and you can expect to see a noticable wave of justice sweep across this great nation.”
Erin will thank me, and will even go on later to say, once retired, that her interview with me was the greatest interview she ever gave, and also the highlight of her career.
My induction is going to be one of the greatest TV events of all time. It’s going to become one of those “Where were you?” questions for the ages. There will be DVDs and merchandise for sale, commemorating the spectacle.
They’re not even close.
So yeah, that’s the vision I have imagined for myself, or as I like to call it, the game plan. It’ll probably start picking up momentum anytime now; my hot takes can’t be trashed and ridiculed forever. And I am listening to some of the more coherent and pointed criticisms, and I am trying to improve.
I don’t think it would even be so bad if people began liking and praising my posts ironically, maybe eventually the joke would run out and I’d be taken seriously.
Or maybe I need to try to find some younger, socially confused followers. I can target them and they could even grow with me and my brand of opinions…
But for now, everyone still shit posts me, and trolls me, and tries to send me viruses… but being popular isn’t always being right.
And eventually, popular will be right. And I will be popular. And when that happens, I will distance myself from the slime which I have risen up from.
And I will rinse myself off too.
And I will keep posting.
I’m here to declare, to make things official, that I’m upping my game. From here on out, my takes are only going to be delivered with more and more passion…and always less restraint. If you’ve think you’ve mocked me good already, well just you wait, my next “garbage” opinion is going to reek so bad of truth, you’ll be crying and begging me for forgiveness.
And to everyone who thinks I’m hysterical, they’re right, because I’m laughing hysterically. My future is so bright, I can’t even blame anyone for being jealous.
I’m impressed with myself too.
So I continue to press send.