Winning Hearts And Holding Court

I’m going to be the first Supreme Court Justice elected out of popularity. Everyone will be like, “Dude, you got the sickest posts. Your takes are always spot on. You have great consideration for process and detail. The vast majority of America couldn’t be happier to make you a member of the United States Supreme Court.”

Just for me, they’ll make a court seat in some never before done, American Idol “vote now the numbers on your screen” bullshit. Every online poll will already be proof of my unquestionable approval, and the amount of likes on all my posts will serve as proof as well, but the TV event will make things official and double as a fun ceremony to kick off my court residency.

I’ll be up on stage with confetti falling from the ceiling, all the biggest names in pop culture will be in attendance, and Erin Andrews will say to me, “You have made history. You have provided this country, and maybe even this world with the greatest Cinderella story ever heard. What do you have to make of all that?”

And I will answer her, “This is the first day, for the rest of our country. The way I broke down and handled arguments online, I solemnly promise to bring that same level of judgement and professionalism to the United States Supreme Court. I will stay committed to my same values and principles as before, and you can expect to see a noticable wave of justice sweep across this great nation.”

Erin will thank me, and will even go on later to say, once retired, that her interview with me was the greatest interview she ever gave, and also the highlight of her career.

My induction is going to be one of the greatest TV events of all time. It’s going to become one of those “Where were you?” questions for the ages. There will be DVDs and merchandise for sale, commemorating the spectacle.

Forget Superbowls.

They’re not even close.

So yeah, that’s the vision I have imagined for myself, or as I like to call it, the game plan. It’ll probably start picking up momentum anytime now; my hot takes can’t be trashed and ridiculed forever. And I am listening to some of the more coherent and pointed criticisms, and I am trying to improve.

I don’t think it would even be so bad if people began liking and praising my posts ironically, maybe eventually the joke would run out and I’d be taken seriously.

Or maybe I need to try to find some younger, socially confused followers. I can target them and they could even grow with me and my brand of opinions…

But for now, everyone still shit posts me, and trolls me, and tries to send me viruses… but being popular isn’t always being right.

And eventually, popular will be right. And I will be popular. And when that happens, I will distance myself from the slime which I have risen up from.

And I will rinse myself off too.

And I will keep posting.

I’m here to declare, to make things official, that I’m upping my game. From here on out, my takes are only going to be delivered with more and more passion…and always less restraint. If you’ve think you’ve mocked me good already, well just you wait, my next “garbage” opinion is going to reek so bad of truth, you’ll be crying and begging me for forgiveness.

I imagine.

And to everyone who thinks I’m hysterical, they’re right, because I’m laughing hysterically. My future is so bright, I can’t even blame anyone for being jealous.

I’m impressed with myself too.

So I continue to press send.

Every Event Planner’s Worst Nightmare

I know people don’t like to hear excuses, but a bunch of teenagers really did beat me up and knock me into a coma. This was not my choice, and has likely been just as inconvenient for me as it has for you.

At this time, I would appreciate a little mercy, and I would like for you to try to understand, and quit giving me negative reviews online.

I couldn’t have possibly forseen this, and I’m terribly sorry that it happened.

Please forgive me.

I sent this message to 8 different couples.

Those who did respond, didn’t make much of my requests for mercy.

But what else can I say? What could I have done to have prevented this?

Being a wedding coordinator is tough; there’s countless expectations of you, and just about no room for error. People put their “Big Day” on your shoulders, and they demand nothing less than perfection.

Also on my shoulders — a brain with a consciousness lying dormant.

There’s not much worse than getting yelled at on the phone while youre still recovering in a hospital bed.

Besides maybe getting knocked into a coma in the first place.

But heck it’s been a struggle.

I only answered because I thought I would hear, “Get better!” or a “My God, that’s terrible!”

Boy was I wrong.

How exactly did I “ruin everything,” when I was in a condition where I couldn’t do anything at all?

My misfortune wasn’t any sort of “cruel and intentional sabotage.”

I worked hard to get where I was, and it seems now I’ll have to work extra hard to restore my reputation.

And I’ll have to be more cautious of teenagers too.

Damn.

My Judgement Versus Theirs: A Battle Of Waste And Opinion In A Corrupt Society

“Age is just a number,” I say, as I place my sandwich inside it’s plastic bag. Numbers. Expiration dates. I pack my own lunch. I never throw anything out and therefore I save a lot.

I also risk a lot too.

But this stomach of mine is trained and conditioned like a warrior. In this one bedroom apartment, we don’t “throw things out.” And by we I mean me, but it’s a house rule, so it applies to everyone who comes through, if they ever come through.

I don’t waste food. I’d rather die! Bring it!

Those left over and forgottens in the far back corner of the refrigerator?

Well now I remember.

That green mold?

It hasn’t killed me yet!

That black mold?

I can dig it out. I can make things work.

I like to boast my iron gut. The exile my colleagues have given me is an honor; it’s proof of my commitment. They’re all weaker and they know it. All those who have witnessed me eat lunch have responded towards me with nothing less than anger and disdain. For the majority of my colleagues, they’ve had enough.

“Are you trying to poison yourself?” asked Cindy in accounting.

“You’ve gotten our attention, you can now stop,” said Jeff who restocks the vending machine.

You don’t even really work here Jeff. Move along Jeff.

But I will never stop bringing my “soiled and disgusting” lunches to work. And I will always accept these types of responses with great pleasure.

They said they would call the health department on me, they said they would all report me again, and one man, even had his hand hovering above the fire alarm, and was contemplating pulling it.

“I think we should evacuate. This air isn’t safe to breath!” our boss Nile panicked.

But as they stirred and panicked, I smirked and took another bite, and then even chomped it with my mouth open for all to see.

“Mwhahahaha!” I cackled, with crumbs pouring out of my mouth and onto my lap.

“I’m gonna p—” one co-worker said, before running out the cafeteria with a hand over their mouth. It was only seconds later that everyone else followed, never to return.

That honestly, is an expected outcome of the lifestyle, and I really don’t see anything wrong with it either. So why not stand proudly for what I believe? I cannot be moved.

But it’s always been about the food waste.

“Spoiled” food has a different meaning to most people than it does to me.

I don’t believe in it.

All food is good food.

Ask yourself, “How many pounds of food do I throw out a year?”

If you can’t answer honestly, it’s likely because you’re ashamed.

But unlike most society, I have no shame.

My food waste number is a negative. I go out looking for spoiled and tossed food to eat once everything at home has been finished. I pick off tables that have yet to be bused when I go out to restaurants. Why even order an appetizer?

Aside from my convictions regarding food, and my passion for battling food waste, it’s worth mentioning that there’s at least one more thing that I’m also really really good at. And that is my job. I am really really good at my job. I can say this with total confidence, because out of all the complaints I have received over the years, not a single one has equalled a termination, yet.

I remain employed. I remain on the winning side.

When I eat in the cafeteria alone every day at work, I have a feeling of ownership and victory; the cafeteria is my conquered territory.

Everyone goes out to eat. Or eats at their desk. Or in their car.

The warrior gut continues on and does not compromise or relent! Ever! The warrior gut will conquer and conquer again!

Sometimes the challenge is mold or staleness, other times what’s most difficult to ingest is the reality of other people’s lives, and the feelings I get when I think about the contents of their kitchen waste baskets.

I know that at least I live my life with honor.

And I’m sincerely not sure if everyone is getting a way from me, or if they’re giving me my space.

But it makes everywhere I go feel just like home.

The public offers me the same kind of alone time that my apartment also does.

Ahead Of My Time

George Washington chops down a cherry tree and people still fawn over him for it centuries later.

I chopped down a utility pole and now I’m a fugitive.

I was living in my ex-girlfriend’s basement, which was great because she didn’t know that I was down there. She has a restraining order against me, and when the cops came to ask if she’d seen me recently, she aggressively assured them that I was a “stupid loser” and the “biggest mistake of [her] life.” She said if she ever saw me, she’d be certain to contact them right away.

It was an incredible performance, even if it couldn’t be considered acting (it bought me four days worth of time).

She eventually found me and made good on her promise to alert the authorities.

“Oh fuck. Fuck you. You’ve been impossible to get rid of, but not anymore. This is the end for good. Fuck your shit.”

I crawled back out the window from which I came in.

“One day I’ll be remembered for this story, and one day, centuries from now, I’ll probably even be considered a legend — like George Washington,” I shouted back in through the basement window, now from the outside.

“This is so much more than some cherry tree,” I said to myself. “This story has action upon action.”

Roaming the streets alone, I figured I’d stop over at my buddy Brad’s place and tell him about everything I was involved in. He said, “You should tell this story on a podcast.”

I said, “Hell yeah buddy! Let’s get me on a podcast!”

But neither of us had any money for microphones or equipment.

But I had an idea!

“Stealing would just be another charge if I get caught. I don’t mind.”

But Brad said he was mostly throwing out the podcast idea as a suggestion for me; he said he didn’t really want to do it himself. I told him he was wasting my time. He said he was tired, and no longer in the mood to harbor a fugitive anymore.

I said, “Brad, you’ve let me down, and now, you’re letting me down again. That’s twice within the last five minutes. When I do get the podcast equipment necessary to tell my story, you’re going to be portrayed as another antagonist in it. You’ll be right there with the cops and the detectives, and the FBI.”

Brad replied, “You’re doing that thing again where you talk to avoid actually going. Just leave already. Damn.”

Have gotten out on the front door, I n my final plea for help I cried, “I HAVE A TARGET ON MY HEAD!”

Buy Brad had already locked the door on me and I wasn’t going to punch it forever. I couldn’t cause a big a scene, I had to move out.

Walking down the street, I was careful not to step into any street lights. I was certain the FBI was after me by now…SWAT teams and bomb squads…packs of canines were probably not far behind. Bounty hunters. If the news determined I’m a domestic terrorist, it could mean open season hunting for me.

I had nowhere to go and a lot of time to think.

“What’s my story worth if I’m never able to tell it?”

“What am I worth?”

And I continued walking. I went in the direction of my purpose, and I got there; I acquired the podcast equipment necessary for me to tell my story.

And I’d like to thank you all for listening.

And I’d also like to give a giant FUCK YOU to Brad.

Fuck you Brad.

If there’s anything this adventure has taught me, it’s that I can do anything I put my mind to. And that also, in reality, George Washington was probably just some pasty, wig-headed bitch who had stomache worms.

I’ve been better than him this whole time.

And now I can live happily ever after. Nothing bad is ever going to happen to me. I am the creator of my own dreams.

Deference To No One

People say, “If you don’t like ______, we can’t be friends.”

Well I’ve had tons of friends and they all eventually left when they found out I was an imposter. Intravenous glowsticking wasn’t my scene. Swallowing shoplifted beta fish got old really quick for me too. I find it hard to believe I ever let myself snort crystal Windex.

I couldn’t keep up with all the trends the way some people were capable of.

And it became noticeable.

I once asked, “Why can’t we just hang out and talk about our interests, maybe do something constructive?”

And for questioning the activities, I was told I was acting strange.

But I don’t care anymore.

My body still glows in the dark at night and it keeps me awake. I’m tired. I just want to be involved in something authentic that isn’t so ridiculous and short lived. I can’t stop thinking about all those poor fish we ate — they could’ve been someone’s pet. And it had to be damaging to all those pet stores’ revenues too.

I no longer care about all the benefits that come with the “in” social group; the parties, the inside jokes, the general acceptance… It’s costed me a great amount of self respect, and I have no idea what my convictions are anymore.

I was running and running to keep up, but as anyone could tell, I was still far behind.

So I quit trying.

And it’s been OK so far.

I get teased a bit, but it’s bearable.

And just know…

If you’re at a party trying to enjoy yourself and hang, and someone pops the cap to a lava lamp and starts passing it around…you’re allowed to have second thoughts…and get this, you’re allowed to keep passing it as well. If you get asked to leave, you can accept the offer and you can go be the real you elsewhere.

Who even knows the longterm damage of drinking from a lava lamp?

I can tell you about “glowsticking” though.

Or if you find me out at night, you can see for yourself.

It’s not hard to find me.

I’m the one who’s glowing.

Commercials #674

Tony the Tiger says, “Why do drugs when you’ve got a spoonful of sugary goodness right in front of you?”

Tony the Tiger likes to take his bowl and spoon and go into the bathroom with it alone. It usually smells like something was cooking if you go in right after him. Silly tiger, I wonder what that’s all about!

Tony the Tiger is almost always super wired and raged when he comes out of the bathroom, but at least he’s less unpleasant than he is before he goes in.

Tony the Tiger crashes out hardcore on my couch on a regular basis. My mom says, “hey look, he’s taking a catnap” and then she takes a couple of pictures of him because she thinks it’s cute…

But she doesn’t know Tony like I know Tony.

Tony the Tiger hasn’t left my house or seen the light of day in 3 weeks now.

Tony is a very difficult tiger to live with.

Dear Community

Support your local parkour kids. Let them hang up your holiday decorations or clean out your gutters or do some odd job for you — one that usually requires a ladder. Parkour kids will undoubtedly appreciate it. They sleep on fire escapes, and in the rafters of abandoned warehouses, and underneath bridge supports; it all depends on the season and weather.

Parkour kids move around a lot and are considerate of all terrains. Take caution when approaching parkour kids though, if you scare them, they might jolt back up to the top of a tree or some high fixture, and it could be a long time before they come down again. I personally have been making extensive, ongoing efforts to let them know that the floor isn’t always lava, and that us ground-dwellers aren’t all hostile. Instead of our two worlds colliding, maybe we can have better relations. Maybe we can grow to trust each other more.

Truthbomb:

I saw a man grab his nutsack at a red light the other day. He put his car in park, pointed me out, and then thrusted his hips up so I can see him grab his nutsack in the window.

His actual nutsack.

He had it out.

I’m too old now. I have a wife and kids and a job, a good job, but I wish more than anything that I was a parkour kid. I’m always looking up and looking around for them. They live life like it’s always top bunk. Everyday. I wish that I could climb up and escape with them.

Final Message/Closing Remarks:

Us ground-dwellers aren’t all hostile. What do I care if someone risks death to scale the side of an office building? I’m not a security guard and roof hopping is a thrill to watch. I could never be a parkour kid now and chances are, you’d never have the guts to be one either.

That’s why I choose to support them. And you should too.

If you’re a parkour kid and you’re reading this, I respect you.

Maybe a couple of you can come over and help me hang up a tire swing from the tree in my backyard.

I think it’d be great to get together and officially meet.

–A Local Father

A Dreamer’s Tale

Tell yourself, “This world needs me. I am smart and capable of so much. Nobody but me has my unique ideas. Without me, there’d be a whole universe missing out on what it is that I have to offer.”

And then go make something.

Today’s genius idea: Beefwings

I took some old chicken wing bones out of the trash, rinsed them, mushed seasoned ground beef into them, and once they’re done in the oven — I’m gonna roll them around in Cheeto dust and serve them up to friends.

As great as it is to take risks and experiment, I think it’s equally as great to share. You’ll find that people can be appreciative of your creations. Not always, but slightly more than never they are.

Sometimes the response is, “Have I been poisoned? Am I going to die?”

But sometimes it isn’t.

A little disclosure:

I don’t know for certain that everything is going to be fine; you should induce vomiting if you feel you should. It happens all the time. The panicky, WTF response that is.

I cannot be offended. I am willing to admit to my mistakes and learn from them. I am always looking to go forward, and that requires an honest self assessment.

After what happened last summer with the cake I baked, I discovered that I shouldn’t use collected rain water as an ingrediant. The “natural, earthy” taste that I was aiming for, turned out to be a major misjudgement.

Thank God everyone made a full recovery.

I will continue to learn and improve.

Cooking is my passion.

Coffee Shop Chaos: The Story of What Was Almost, Almost a Riot

“Hey there Mr. Funny Man, Mr. I-Can-Do-It-All, Mr. Trying To Steal Everyone’s Girlfriend. Nice acoustic set, except for the fact that your music is sad and whiny and you’re a fool and you’re not gonna steal my girlfriend. I came here to make sure of that.”

“I’m sorry, I’m just here to play music…or at least that’s what I think I’m here for,” answered back the acoustic performer, amused by himself with a cool, confident smile, looking around at all the faces gazing towards him.

A large amount of those in attendance were young, college-aged girls; undergrads. Many were seated around him on the floor, staring up at him dreamily, as if he were a folk hero. Just about all of them giggled whenever he spoke.

“I know what you’re doing. And that “funny” anecdote you told earlier wasn’t even funny at all. There was nothing ironic about what you said. You drove into town and saw a sign and you knew you were here. Whatever.”

“I’m sorry that upset you, I’ll cons–”

“Yeah!” shouted another man, standing up in the back opposite of the room. “I’m gonna have to agree with him.”

“You got your faded jeans and your loafers and you think you’re so deep. It’s nauseating.”

“Boooo!” most of the female audience members shouted in the direction of both hecklers.

“Just get out.”

“Yeah, get out!”

“Well I apologize for–”

“You asked the barrista to “fetch” you a glass of water and so far you’ve only taken one sip,” shouted another heckler, raising their voice a bit louder with every word to overpower the returning boos.

Boos were shouted in all directions. There was no music. There was no order. There was no way he could continue performing until things had settled down.

“Hey hey hey,” the performer said into the microphone. “If you don’t like me or my music, then why not just leave? No one’s keeping you here.”

There was more noise from the crowd. Some people clapped in agreement with the performer, others answered back with curses.

“Awwww piss off!”

“Yeah. Screw you, man. You get out of here! Don’t tell me to leave!”

The room was hostile and in a complete stir. There was no manager or anyone who could mitigate the commotion. One man in the back of the room took off his shirt. He immediately put it back on.

“I’m OK.”

A gentleman, older than most members of the crowd, who was sitting quietly, raised his hand to say something. He looked as though he could be a professor at a nearby university.

“Yes. Hey everyone, everyone let’s hear what this man has to say. Ok? And then can I get back to the music, please?”

“No!”

The older gentleman spoke,”I have perfect pitch and the break you took earlier to retune your guitar was completely unnecessary.”

“Yeah!” a bunch of men in the crowd cheered.

“You dropped your low E just so you could raise it back up again, and tell another one of your ridiculous, unironic stories in the process,” he said, looking back to the first heckler who had pointed out the lack of irony in the performer’s stories; giving his endorsement to the younger man’s statement.

“I came in for a relaxing afternoon cup of tea, and what I’m witnessing here is sickening.”

There were more boos from the men and even more boos in response from the defending women.

Admist all the chaos and disruption, one young woman spoke up.

“You told me to come here and see your show. You said that you would really really like for me to hear you play when we met earlier out on the street. You said I should stick around and hang out afterwards. How many other girls did you tell that to?” she said, sounding upset.

“He said that same thing me!”

“And me.”

“I saw this jerk walking around all over town with his guitar earlier today. What did no one have a puppy for you to borrow as well?” someone else shouted.

“I came to play music. This is a paid gig. There is no greater conspiracy happening,” the performer responded indignantly.

There were more boos. Just about all boos. Even most the women now. If anyone was still left on his side, they weren’t letting it be known.

“Is everyone in this town crazy? Why is everyone such a fucking asshole?”

“Booooooo!”

“See, he’s not that deep! He’s not the caring sensitive type. He’s a phoney!”

“Booooo!”

“Awww fuck you. Fuck all of you,” he said, placing his guitar back in it’s case. Someone pelted him in the ribs with a scone; there was no telling who threw it at this point.

He grabbed the mic stand and amp and with his hands full, bolted towards the exit, towards the parking lot with his cables dragging the whole way there. He was in a hurry to get out.

He received constant harassment the entire trip over.

Standing at his station wagon, he checked himself to make sure he had everything.

“The tuner!” he said out loud to himself.

He thought to go back in and grab it, but when he turned to look back, there were dozens of faces looking out at him angrily from the window; many giving him the finger.

“Forget it,” he said, opening the door and climbing into the driver’s seat.

As he rolled out the parking lot, the crowd poured out to cheer his departure.

He looked in the rear view window, and returned the finger for everyone.

“Back at you,” he said to himself.

It was another town to cross off his list.

He was leaving definitely.

In Place of Sheep

Some people like to count sheep in order to help them relax and fall asleep quicker at night. I personally like to imagine myself ruthlessly wrecking the shit out of a seedy motel room.

Something nasty and worthy of abuse, like a highway side, designated smoker’s room. I can’t imagine myself destroying anything beautiful; senseless waste and destruction won’t facilitate a peaceful sleep for me. It won’t work! If you destroy something ugly and awful and in need of demolition anyways, you’re not ruining the best of anything; it’s all good!

I’m not the type, but if you’re the type that regularly screams into a pillow out of frustration, I can only imagine this being the perfect nighttime sleeping plan for you.

Regardless your type, it’s at least worth a try. Test it out for one night, if not, it’s one night only!

In our imaginations, when we’re preparing ourselves for sleep, there’s no cops or managers or bosses to worry about. There’s no payments to make, no responsibilities to take. So why is it always recommended that we count sheep? Thoughts of fictional motel destruction can also be cathartic, and they’re always risk free— they’re only thoughts! And no one’s getting hurt in these thoughts either (imagining yourself inflicting pain upon people, real or not, is not a sleeping plan I can endorse).

Imagine yourself jamming an unsafe amount of adapters and plugins into a wall socket. Feels pretty mischievous, right? Now imagine all that causing an electrical fire and the room burning down. There’s still no consequences! It’s not real!

So forget about sheep.

When I’m done getting ready for bed, and I’m laying there with my head on the pillow, the first thing I like imagine myself doing is inserting the key into the door, and then stepping inside my motel room…

For starters, I might kick over a chair, or go over to the bed to jump on it with my shoes on. I might kick the blankets on the floor, and hit the ceiling a bunch of times, as many times as I please! I’ll perhaps rip open the pillows or change the clock to a wrong time. I’ll plug the sink and shower drains and turn the water on. I’ll walk back out into the other room and I’ll… notice myself start to relax and drift closer to sleep.

But not always.

Just like counting sheep, it might not seem to be working some nights. You might get upset because time is passing and you need to get up early, and you’re now worried about how much tomorrow’s gonna suck because you’re not getting the rest you need.

Whatever your sleeping plan may be, it’s always good to refocus when this starts to happen.

For me, I know that I gotta get out of my head and away from my worries, and get back into that motel room.

I’ll take a lamp and smash it off the TV. I’ll then take the TV and push it onto the floor. I’ll then rip down the curtains. I’ll karate chop my hand down the blinds. I’ll swing the phone by it’s chord and let it smash into the wall. I’ll then take a jagged piece of debris, and I’ll start scraping off the wall paper…

I’ll…

I’ll then…

Goodnight world.